If the Shoe Fits

Squish, shove, pinch, suck in, twist...Uhg! We've been there. Well, most of us have. You may know what I'm talking about and if you don't well, God bless you! I'm talking about buying an article of clothing one and sometimes two sizes too small just to say we wear a smaller size.  Let me enlighten you on a well known secret we are all keeping from each other. No matter what size you squeeze yourself into, it doesn't actually make you smaller. Just like buying scales until they say what you want them to say doesn't make you lighter. (Don't judge. I haven't actually done this, but I've thought about it.)

I too am guilty. Let me explain. I am a runner. Always have been and most certainly always will be. Lord willing. I began my running career (Can I call it that? I'm not actually paid to run.) in the seventh grade. I thought for certain I would surely DIE while running a mile. My heart should not beat this fast and the pain I had in my side was most certainly a knife. I survived. I'm sure you are all breathing a sigh of relief. I continued to run and finally I was initiated into the club! What club you may ask? The ugly running shoe club. I knew I had crammed my feet into a size 8 at one point so surely I wear a size eight running shoe. Years of blisters and foot pain and three babies (your feet grow, uhhhh,your arches fall when you are pregnant) later I had worked myself up to buy a size 9 and that was with extreme begrudging. So, as I found myself staring Paul, at said local running store, square in the eye as he tried to hand me clown shoes I about lost it. What on earth do you mean I am a 9 1/2 WIDE?! I have not signed up for an event at the circus! There is no way I am wearing clown shoes to run. This is not happening. I explained to myself that it is better to have wide shoes than a wide hind end. Maybe.... So, during my evening run in my clown shoes I realized something.  I loved having room! My toes could practically do jumping jacks! There was not pain shooting up the side of my foot and at one point I was cognizant of my breathing and not how to strike my foot to cause the least amount of pain.

Okay, I know what your thinking. "Who cares, Kristen!!?? I don't run and even if I were to start I'm not sure I would care what size shoe I wore. " Noted. However, if you lived through the seventies you lied on your bed and zipped your bell-bottom jeans zipper up with a hanger. You may have even done a funny duck walk if you lived through the eighties trying to stretch out your non-stretch pants. Don't get me started on the nineties. Bike shorts were in and if you still have a pair and don't actually ride a bike I have the number to your local Salvation Army. Lets move on. Okay, I got side tracked. The nineties gets a pass. That is the only decade where we retaliated and wore clothes that were too big for us. Thus comes 2000! Good night! This decade gives rise to muffin tops and on people who clearly should not actually have muffin tops. Where are our friends when we are walking around in clothing that is clearly too tight. I can't see my butt and I think these pants may be too tight. One, because I can't breathe in or out and two because I can't bend my legs at my hips and knees. But sometimes I need a friend to take me aside and let me know that I shouldn't worry about if there are pantie lines on my jeans when people can actually see the print on my underpants though these too tight jeans. We all need a personal shopper or a good tell it to you straight friend. I'm telling you we could fix most of the problems in this world if we actually bought clothes in our size. We would have much more circulation working towards our brains. If you are hung up on a size you wore in high school and high five all of your buddies or best girl friends, let me enlighten you. They may not actually look like they did when you wore them in high school.

Embrace it! Wear your size. No matter what size that is. Wear it. Feel better. Live better and spend less time wanting to scream obscenities because your pants, shirt, shoes, bra, underpants, you name it, are too tight.

P.S. Those of you who wear clothing that is too big. You aren't getting a pass. You aren't fooling any one! Take off your husbands too big t-shirt and find a top that hugs a little closer to your body. I PROMISE you, you will automatically look like you lost 20 lbs. PROMISE! Pst. Gentlemen...your jeans are too short. Yes, they are. I don't care where they are actually supposed to hit. If most of American calls them high waters and you can walk through puddles in your Tevas without getting your pants wet, then they are too short.

Scale It Back

We hate it. We love it. We are down right addicted to it. We cling to it as if it is our best friend only to cuss it out when it doesn't tell us what we want to hear. You know what I'm talking about and if you don't you probably aren't American. It's our bathroom scale. Oh yeah! It's amazing to me that we will wake up each day as if its Christmas morning, bounding to our bathrooms to step on this one foot by one foot gem of an appliance. It's cheap fortune telling! Seriously. You step on it and it's two pounds heavy; I foresee you having a crappy day filled with carb loading and emotional eating. You step on it and it's two pounds down; I foresee you having an awesome day filled with carb loading and emotional eating. Why is our happiness tied to a scale is beyond me. Now, I realize that I sound like I'm starting a "Skinny Bitch" post where I could never in a million years care about what the scale says when I step on it, but I assure you this is not the case. I have gone to a doctors office and stepped on their scale that looks like it should be weighing cattle What the He!!! Why on earth does it need to look like that? And, really, why do we really need to know what we weigh unless we are cheerleaders that will be thrown in the air and caught (hopefully) by some dude that looks like he could actually catch cattle and not the 97lb blond wonder he is catching. Sorry, I side tracked. Yes, I have stepped on a scale and felt the desire to look away only to hear, "Oh sweetie, looks like you have gained a couple pounds." Can we agree that from now on that we will have Nurse Betty just simply scan us and say "Yep, looks good!" Because really we know if we need to work on our diet and we know if we could stand to lose a few lbs. The scale is not giving us any information we don't already have. 

For 12 years I trained clients who were breaking ground on their health. They were feeling better, sleeping better, quite honestly looking better and then it happened. They came in and stepped on the scale and all of their rose colored balloons behind their rose colored glasses were popped and thus began their downward spiral. I understand why we use a scale. It allows us to see immediate change when we begin a weight loss program. Or does it???? Let me have you consider; the human body can hold up to 25 lbs of fecal matter in our intestinal tract! Holy mother of mercy! Is this true?!? Yes. We can carry another ten pounds of water weight. Soooo, here is where I'm going with this biology lesson. When you first try to lose weight we generally increase our fiber intake (veggies) and water consumption. When fiber meets an unhealthy colon it takes some time to work it's magic. And when we introduce water into our diet, our bodies store it in any nook, cranny and cell for fear we will be heading back into the dehydration dessert we have been living in. 

It takes time for our bodies to allow for necessary changes. Rome wasn't built in a day and neither were those love handles. Give your body some time. Give yourself some grace and realize this journey is not going to be made in a day. A scale should not hold so much power over your happiness. Whip out your handy dandy journal (because I'm sure you own one or at least a piece of paper and pen) and start writing how you actually feel after you start eating healthy and exercising. If this is not an option and you find yourself needing a S.A. (scale anonymous) program, I suggest you chart your weight loss on a piece of paper so you can see change over time and not get so hung up on the small lb jumps. Good luck and scale it back.  

Drive Stress Away

I have been driving for 16 years. Please, do not do the math and if you do, you should know, in Alaska you can start driving at the age of 10 (this is not true). I have noticed a good many things in my hours on the road, but the one that shocks me the most is NOone..ok many people do not know how to follow the rules of the four way stop. I mean seriously people. I don't understand it. I have seen you program a remote control that looks like it's part of a NASA space shuttle, but four cars converging at one intersection throws you off a cliff of understanding. Let me help you to put your hands back on the steering wheel and not in the air waving around at your fellow drivers. I assure you, that scrunched up face behind your middle finger is not one of your finer looks.

I am not a traffic officer or a drivers ed. instructor, but I have taken it upon myself to actually read the drivers manual prior to getting my drivers license as well as research what right of way actually means. In the event two cars arrive at an intersection at the same time. The driver that is going straight or turning right goes first. If both cars are turning right they can both go. This would mean that motorists would have to and miraculously use their directional. In the event the driver is turning right and the other is driving straight, the person turning right goes first. Right of way means the person to the right, not the person who thinks they are right. In the event you just don't know. You have two options. Wave the driver through or just head straight home, lace up your shoes and walk to your destination.

Put simply: if vehicles arrive at approximately the same time, each driver must yield to the drivers on their right. Right, right, right, is always right. Good luck and use your directional/turn signal.