IN THE BEGINNING
I guess you could say my troubles began under a solid oat kitchen table. Each morning I would wake up to a "normal American fair breakfast" of Corn Flakes or Bran Flakes with Raisins. One bowl would never do it...I would sneak an extra bowl and with that bowl, I would scoop up the sugar dish and hide in my kitchen cave. Hidden between the chairs, thinking I would be invisible to the world. It wasn't Candy Land or Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, but I was able to pile as many spoonfuls of sugary goodness atop my breakfast cereal without the judgment or discipline I feared. I can remember it like it was moments ago. The moment all of the cereal was downed, I had the milk, sweet on its own, but never enough. The pile of sugar that greeted me as I drank down the last of the milk was worth the wait. And with that a Sugar Addict was born.
At the ripe ol' age of 36 I have survived many of my days in a cloud of deception. As a personal trainer and a Nutritional Therapy Practitioner, I fight every moment of every day to make the next best nutritional decision. I assure you I have tried every trick to kick this addiction that has followed me most of my life. People scoff at me when I mention I have a real problem with sugar. And then some, with knee jerk reaction, meet me with a wave of judgement, that even my best defenses can't deflect. I want to be real, transparent, open and honest, but I know my facade of perfection will fall like a house of cards. I will have to meet my worries, anger, hurts, fear, insecurity and failures head on. I am certain they will come as a tidal wave. Every moment I shoved a hurt down with a giant chocolate-chocolate chip cookie or dinner roll would come back and consume me. I wasn't strong enough to face these hard moments. So, I would retreat to my kitchen and make my "husband/children" a batch of cookies to show them the love I have for them. Sadly, consuming entirely too much cookie dough. The moment when you tell yourself, 'You have to decide between cookie dough and cookie,' knowing you will eat both and be sick afterwards, is the moment you know you have a problem.
You see, I play these games with myself. I'll make brownies and promise myself that I will only lick the bowl once the brownies are in the oven. A spoonful of batter later...I look in the sink at the four dirty spoons I used for each decadent bite. I know it's a very slippery slope. One always leads to five, ten, fifteen...bites. Only once I feel sick or heaps of guilt do I stop. Years ago, I would have gone for a run and tried to undo my lack of self control. Every minute, every mile was a moment to meet my life head on and count my steps back to perfection. No worries, I don't just have a problem with brownies. I'm an equal opportunity carbohydrate/sugar lover. I'll buy cookies from the store, so I don't have to worry about the cookie dough and then the rat race begins! I eat two....that's a realistic serving size. Then I go back for two more....then three....only to realize I've eaten five cookies and the disgust sets in. If I eat three more, the row will be gone and I can stop...That isn't enough to shut off the pull of the voices. You are weak! You have already failed. You will be fat forever. You might as well eat as many as you want and start again tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow, with a clean slate you will have enough will power to be strong and perfect.
My trouble comes when I look in the mirror. Never good enough. Never thin enough, Never fit enough. My friends, my family are supportive of course. Right? "Oh my gosh Kristen, get over it! You are fit! People would kill to have a body like yours! You are strong! You are beautiful!" Yes, but would they kill for the demons floating around in my head. Would they long for the voices that yell, "You will never be good enough! You'll never reach your goal unless you starve! You're weak! You are a fraud and a liar and you will be found out!"
As a young teenager I began dieting. Every moment of every day was a struggle with food. I would count every calorie. Low fat, no fat, Adkins, Sugar Free, Fasting, The Brigham Young Diet, All Protein, Diet soda and protein bars; you name it I tried it. No eating after 7pm. No eating til 4pm. One meal a day. Binge and Purge, Binge and exercise. Exercise for hours on end. All to no avail. I remained, in my mind, a pudgy 136 lbs. I was depressed. I hated my body. I wanted to give up on all of it, but the fear of being fat and ugly spurred me on. The irony is, I was so fearful of being fat and ugly and yet, I thought I was fat and ugly. From the outside I looked confident and strong. I was loud and talkative. I was fun to be around and spent much of my time trying to make others feel welcome and accepted while I felt a million miles away from being okay. I ran track and cross country. I received the award for most dedicated three years in a row. I was co-captain of the girls cross country team. At one point, when the local news came to interview the captains of the team I was told I wouldn't be interviewed. I wasn't who they were wanting to speak with. I wasn't fast enough, or good enough to be interviewed. I was however, "the backbone" of the team that encouraged others and brought everyone together, or so it was explained to me. All I heard is, "The fat slow kid doesn't need to be interviewed." Again, I was the personality. I would always be wittled down to being, likable. At one point, my high school boyfriend's, if you can call him that, dad told me, "You have a great voice for radio!" I remember wanting to crawl into my shoes and run the other direction. I felt like all of my youth was riddled with back handed compliments. I'm sure, most people feel the same way. As a matter of fact, the adults around me would encourage me by saying, "Everyone at your age feels inadequate and ugly. You're normal." And yet, I felt a million miles from normal. Hell, I was Home Coming queen...kinda. I was a Natural Helper (a group of youth that came together to commit to helping others in our school get through difficult times.) I was our schools basketball manager, Key Club Secretary, a member of the yearbook club, and of course "co"- captain of our track team. Comical at best...I threw Shotput and discus in track, because I was certain that was the event all of the "stalky, strong girls" participated in.
Living through the ninties with pale white skin, broad shoulders, a round butt and chubby cheeks felt like a curse. I was certain that if I had only been born a hundred years earlier all of my troubles would have disappeared. And, without a time machine I was left to be tortured daily by the voices in my head.
I remember participating in Brigham Young Hospital diet. I was able to have 1/2 a cup of vanilla icecream at the end of the day. An endulgance I longed for after I spent the previous 8 hours eating 500 calories of plain tuna, green beans, a slice of toast with 1 TB of peanut butter. I hated those days and oddly enough, to this day icecream causes an ounce of PTSD in my life. I weighed in daily always feeling like a failure. I wanted, needed, dreamed, longed to weigh 125 and to this day that number is my success marker. I will share with you only a few times have I hit that number and held it there....the flu of 2006, months after being diagnosed with Celiac, and the months after my husband and I seperated. I wont try to lie to you. I look back on those three instances fondly. I loved how I looked. I didn't care how stressful those moments were. I didnt care that in photos I looked sickly. I loved looking down and having a perfectly flat stomach.
So how does all of this tie together to writing about sugar and more importantly sugar addiction? I had one thing in my life that immediately made me feel better. A bite of anything sweet... for a moment I didn't care about a belly bulge or how I had to use anti chaffing goo when I ran to prevent my legs from chaffing while they rubbed together. I didn't care that I had to take ten photos before I found an angle that I didn't feel made my face look fat. If I had a hard day, I knew I could bake up a batch of cookies and for a few moments I wouldn't have a care in the world. The warmth of the oven and the smells wafting through the air wrapped me in comfort. I knew it was a few more moments before life was g
WHY OH WHY DO WE NEED TO KNOW THIS????
I share this story with you nearly six months after I sat at my computer on an early morning and spilled these therapeutic thoughts out in black and white print. I knew I had a few things to work on in my personal life and the first and foremost would shock me more than it may shock you. I needed to learn to love myself and give myself grace for each day. It was NEVER a moral failure when I chose to eat cookies. I was not a failure for feeding my emotions. You see, the longer I allowed to play the game of winner and loser I would always end up on the losing end. We will always be able to be better and never reach perfection.
I also share this story with you, because after 15 years working in the fitness industry, I know these thoughts ran/run through many of your minds. You sit in your home thinking you are the only one with this struggle. Everyone else has life figured out! Why do they all seem so confident while I sit over hear wanting to melt into my chair. I want the shouts of failure to leave my head. I want to be enough, today and not always be looking to be happier tomorrow. My worth shouldn't be wrapped in a number on the scale or a tag in my jeans...but it is and I hate it! I hate that I feel better when I am eating French fries and when I'm upset, cake feels better than a hug. I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. Or maybe you have it all figured out. Maybe your struggle isn't with food or fitness or confidence. Maybe you are stronger and healthier than the rest of us. And if that is you....I commend you for the hard work you have put into your life! Truly, I am happy for you. You see your success DOES NOT have to be more of our failure. Your health and wellness does not need to mean we are less than the best. We can all coexist while trying to figure this crazy, messy, chaotic at time, insanely confusing life out and we can do it supporting where each and every one of us are at each and every moment. You see, if you spend your life comparing yourself to others you will always lose. You will feel confident one moment and horrible the next. You will quintessentially spend your days on an emotional roller coaster. Step off the ride and walk your own path, head held high and okay with sometimes, just not feeling okay. And quite frankly....that's OKAY!
ME TODAY
I can tell you I do not eat brownies by the fist full. Cookies no longer hold the pull they used to. I am a solid 10 lbs. heavier than emotionally I would prefer to be, it does not define who I am. I am a healthy, strong, mother, daughter, wife, and friend with the ability to do and be what I love each day. I still have crappy thoughts about myself. However, my follow up thought is always, "that is not your truth. Feelings do not make your reality." You are who you need to be today. I have a healthier relationship with food. I am able to make healthy decision and although I am convinced if I was given sixth months to live, I would start each day with chocolate cake...I know that doesn't have to be what ultimate
ly makes me happy. A family movie night without candy and popcorn is still a movie night. Dinner without dessert is still satisfying. I do not want to paint a picture that I have finally reached perfection. I still had a brownie on vacation. Yep, that happened. That blasted nemesis of mine. However, I did not feel the need to wake up the next day and finish the pan. In fact five days later, half the pan remains in my kitchen and I let my family know I would be throwing them away at days end if they don't want them. I also eat 2 TB of almond butter every evening and enjoy every tasty bite. And until someone tells me almond butter is going to kill me, I don't foresee breaking this habit. Today I can tell you, whole heartedly, I love my life. I love my husband and children. I love the friends I have been blessed with today. I love, running towards something, while feeling free. Instead of running from something, feeling shackled. I love, finally enjoying real and health foods. I love, cooking and creating in the kitchen. I love reading to my children. I love that my son ALWAYS sneaks out of bed to come and give me an extra hug every night and tell me he loves me. I love movie night in with the family and simple coffee dates with my besties. I love, impromptu play dates and in the spur of the moment, family weekend trips. I love that my middle child is a fiery redhead who would rather dance in the rain than hurry to the car on busy mornings. I love that my 12 year old has quick whit and is a crowd pleaser, but also shares her feelings openly and honestly. I love, having just enough to get by in life, but not so much I have to concern myself with the stock market! LOL. I can say after years of finding things to hate, I have finally made a conscious effort to love what I love and leave the rest. PS I still hate folding laundry!!!! This will NEVER CHANGE!
