Good Tidings, Cheer and Decaf Coffee

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Holidays, Happy Kwanza!
 I am certain I have equally offended everyone with one simple sentence. When did it happen that spreading good tidings and cheer became rude. When did smiling and greeting your fellow brother or sister become a colossal slap in the face. When I was young I knew that if and when I flipped someone off, I was conveying exactly what I wanted. I knew they would be irritated, angry and insulted. I, however, could never be prepared for the shock brought to me in my adult years. I was prepared this year. I had my tree up early, I had presents purchased, I wrapped the....well no, I married the man who would ultimately wrap the presents, I had planned for Christmas! What I had not planned for was the social media backlash and extraordinarily pissed off woman who informed me I could take my Merry Christmas and put it where the sun doesn't shine. I'm not certain that is possible...I looked around for a second wondering quite frankly who had crapped in her Cornflakes that morning. I also was looking for something that must have offended her. I checked my shirt to see if it said something offensive. Nothing. I didn't get it. I am a Christian,yes, but I am not offended if you wish me a Happy Holidays, or a Happy Hanukkah. Heck, you can even wish me a Happy Hump Day. However, I will certainly wonder about your sanity for choosing to use the word hump in a public greeting. But, to each is own. We may not agree with each other. We may not like what others think, believe, speak, want, don't want, give or take. What we can agree on is there is a lot of unnecessary anger in this world. So as New Year's Eve approaches lets try to choose a New Year's Resolution that is worth abiding. I will not read into what people are saying to me. I will accept a greeting as a greeting. I will accept a middle finger waving from the driver behind me and know that he must be an angry person and it can't possibly mean I'm driving like a lunatic. And most importantly I will accept when I ask my husband if a dress makes me look fat and he replies with "Well, maybe a little."I'm sure this is his way of telling me he has no fashion sense or sense all for that matter.

I will give you a few examples you can work from since I know you are sitting there thinking, "I don't know what she is talking about. I don't read into what people are saying." For instance, when your local sales clerk greets you with a "Can I help you find anything?", you should respond with a "Thanks but I've got it covered. " What you should not respond with is "Back off! I'm not here to shop! I am simply in this department store to look around at these items that are strangely being sold, but I don't want to buy anything!" And when you visit your coffee shop and the guy behind the counter asks if you would like a pastry with your coffee. He isn't asking you to open up your wallet and give him all of your cash. Well lets hope that's not what he's asking you. A simple, "No thank you. But, I would like room in my coffee." will suffice.

Manners, greetings, good tidings and cheer! These are the things I would like to see this year....And if not, then you deserve the decaf coffee.

Heartbreak Hill is Sometimes Heartbreaking

At the Portland Half Marathon
for race pace training.

After six months of training I was prepared to take my chances at qualifying for the BOSTON MARATHON. The California International Marathon in Sacramento, California was my first hope to qualify. It was going to be great! I was promised down hill, great weather and a awesome hotel to rest my weary head when it was all over. My reality did not line up with these promises!

I kept the finish line in my sights all weekend.

Thirty weeks of training, hundreds of miles logged on rolling hills, 2 half marathon races and a grueling Hood to Coast completed, proper nourishment and hydration, countless books and magazines read. I was ready...kinda.I grew up in sub zero degree weather. I walked to school uphill both ways in the freezing cold and pouring snow. However, nothing could have prepared me for 26.2 miles at 20 degrees...above zero. I realize 20 degrees would have been likened to a heat wave. I assure you 20 degrees is quite certainly in no means a heat wave. At the start line 9900 of us huddled to keep warm. I do not hug total stranger by nature, however I found myself clinging to runners around me trying with all of my might to rob them of their body heat. (Okay, that didn't really happen.) 5, 4, 3, 2...the horn blares signaling commencement of the race. And off my ice blocks ran!

I had my strategy. Follow the pace leader for the 3:35 group. Hold on for dear life and hope my legs hold out. As the horn sounded I took off like a....what did the fox say??? 8:12 pace Kristen. This is a long race. Hold back and get comfortable. HA! Comfortable?! Yes I thought that very word and still find it slightly comical. Mile one....it's all downhill. Literally, mile one was entirely downhill and although starting off in a dead sprint seems like a good idea (I considered it) I assure you it is not. I zipped past porta potties at mile two thinking, "If you have to use a porta potty at mile two this is going to be a very long race for you." I cried at mile three thinking I may just be able to do this. I helped a fallen runner at mile five after slipping on ice at an aid station. Quite frankly running past anyone who has fallen just seems like poor sportsmanship. I sang out loud, oh yes out loud, at mile 7 and 8. What can I say? Kelly Clarkson and One Republic motivate me. I'm sure they will be calling for me to become one of their back up singers.

On our way!

At mile ten my calves started to cramp from the cold and those blasted rolling hills (all downhill my ass.) My fingers began to refreeze at mile 12 as I downed orange slices that were a better idea than they were a reality. At mile 13.1 I thought. "Kristen, just imagine your car broke down and running is the only way you'll get home." I quickly realized that running was the only way I was getting home. Mile 15! Where did that hill come from and do I have to use those porta potties? It can wait. Electrolytes? Check! Mile 17, I'm doing pretty good. On my first marathon this is the mile I crumbled and the mile I feared the most. Made it to 18 with flying colors. The fatigue was setting in. Fuel blocks in and powering on. Miles 18,19,20 I held steady, but celebrated at 20. 6.2 miles to go. Who can't run a 10K? Don't answer that. I spent my youth running six miles. It was my go to workout. I've got this! Then it happened. Mile 21.5! Where the hell are the porta potties when you need them?! By the grace of God I looked up from the two foot in front of me view I had been holding. 100 yards in front of me was my shining blue beacon of hope. I sprinted a 100 yard dash that would make Carl Lewis proud. (go ahead and Google him. I will wait right here.) 21.5-22 all uphill. Why when land is being blasted they couldn't have used an extra stick of dynamite is beyond me. 22-24 I felt my hopes of Boston slipping away. Holding an 8:12 pace, I dug deep. I pushed and pulled my frozen block legs through every step, but no matter how hard I tried my pace kept slipping farther away....8:13, 8:14, 8:15, miles 25-26 8:17, 8:18. An extra Gu as I felt my legs trembling, my teeth chattering, my head spinning and my heart drop. No time for tears. I had .2 miles to go and no matter what that clock said I was not going to walk. I was not going to cry. I fought my battle. I held strong. I came to terms with the fact that we do not live in a Hollywood movie where the endings are always happy and dreams and dedications always come true. And sometimes the greatest reward is in the journey and not in the outcome. I sat and wept at the finish line. I had tried with all I had and by all numerical accounts, had failed. I thought little of the 18 minutes I had shaved off of my last marathon. I forgot about my triumph sailing through mile 17. The hill at mile 21 I had conquered was a distant memory. I focused too hard on not meeting my goal that I had little time to enjoy my triumphs. How often in life do we do this?

Have you forgotten to high five yourself for your little triumphs? Have you focused too much on your goal that you have forgotten to enjoy the journey. Take a moment every so often to write down your accomplishments, however small, they are still accomplishments. Trust me on this one...there will ALWAYS be someone better than you. You will always think you could have done better. This isn't the point of life. Be great in each moment and live triumphantly.

If the Shoe Fits

Squish, shove, pinch, suck in, twist...Uhg! We've been there. Well, most of us have. You may know what I'm talking about and if you don't well, God bless you! I'm talking about buying an article of clothing one and sometimes two sizes too small just to say we wear a smaller size.  Let me enlighten you on a well known secret we are all keeping from each other. No matter what size you squeeze yourself into, it doesn't actually make you smaller. Just like buying scales until they say what you want them to say doesn't make you lighter. (Don't judge. I haven't actually done this, but I've thought about it.)

I too am guilty. Let me explain. I am a runner. Always have been and most certainly always will be. Lord willing. I began my running career (Can I call it that? I'm not actually paid to run.) in the seventh grade. I thought for certain I would surely DIE while running a mile. My heart should not beat this fast and the pain I had in my side was most certainly a knife. I survived. I'm sure you are all breathing a sigh of relief. I continued to run and finally I was initiated into the club! What club you may ask? The ugly running shoe club. I knew I had crammed my feet into a size 8 at one point so surely I wear a size eight running shoe. Years of blisters and foot pain and three babies (your feet grow, uhhhh,your arches fall when you are pregnant) later I had worked myself up to buy a size 9 and that was with extreme begrudging. So, as I found myself staring Paul, at said local running store, square in the eye as he tried to hand me clown shoes I about lost it. What on earth do you mean I am a 9 1/2 WIDE?! I have not signed up for an event at the circus! There is no way I am wearing clown shoes to run. This is not happening. I explained to myself that it is better to have wide shoes than a wide hind end. Maybe.... So, during my evening run in my clown shoes I realized something.  I loved having room! My toes could practically do jumping jacks! There was not pain shooting up the side of my foot and at one point I was cognizant of my breathing and not how to strike my foot to cause the least amount of pain.

Okay, I know what your thinking. "Who cares, Kristen!!?? I don't run and even if I were to start I'm not sure I would care what size shoe I wore. " Noted. However, if you lived through the seventies you lied on your bed and zipped your bell-bottom jeans zipper up with a hanger. You may have even done a funny duck walk if you lived through the eighties trying to stretch out your non-stretch pants. Don't get me started on the nineties. Bike shorts were in and if you still have a pair and don't actually ride a bike I have the number to your local Salvation Army. Lets move on. Okay, I got side tracked. The nineties gets a pass. That is the only decade where we retaliated and wore clothes that were too big for us. Thus comes 2000! Good night! This decade gives rise to muffin tops and on people who clearly should not actually have muffin tops. Where are our friends when we are walking around in clothing that is clearly too tight. I can't see my butt and I think these pants may be too tight. One, because I can't breathe in or out and two because I can't bend my legs at my hips and knees. But sometimes I need a friend to take me aside and let me know that I shouldn't worry about if there are pantie lines on my jeans when people can actually see the print on my underpants though these too tight jeans. We all need a personal shopper or a good tell it to you straight friend. I'm telling you we could fix most of the problems in this world if we actually bought clothes in our size. We would have much more circulation working towards our brains. If you are hung up on a size you wore in high school and high five all of your buddies or best girl friends, let me enlighten you. They may not actually look like they did when you wore them in high school.

Embrace it! Wear your size. No matter what size that is. Wear it. Feel better. Live better and spend less time wanting to scream obscenities because your pants, shirt, shoes, bra, underpants, you name it, are too tight.

P.S. Those of you who wear clothing that is too big. You aren't getting a pass. You aren't fooling any one! Take off your husbands too big t-shirt and find a top that hugs a little closer to your body. I PROMISE you, you will automatically look like you lost 20 lbs. PROMISE! Pst. Gentlemen...your jeans are too short. Yes, they are. I don't care where they are actually supposed to hit. If most of American calls them high waters and you can walk through puddles in your Tevas without getting your pants wet, then they are too short.

Scale It Back

We hate it. We love it. We are down right addicted to it. We cling to it as if it is our best friend only to cuss it out when it doesn't tell us what we want to hear. You know what I'm talking about and if you don't you probably aren't American. It's our bathroom scale. Oh yeah! It's amazing to me that we will wake up each day as if its Christmas morning, bounding to our bathrooms to step on this one foot by one foot gem of an appliance. It's cheap fortune telling! Seriously. You step on it and it's two pounds heavy; I foresee you having a crappy day filled with carb loading and emotional eating. You step on it and it's two pounds down; I foresee you having an awesome day filled with carb loading and emotional eating. Why is our happiness tied to a scale is beyond me. Now, I realize that I sound like I'm starting a "Skinny Bitch" post where I could never in a million years care about what the scale says when I step on it, but I assure you this is not the case. I have gone to a doctors office and stepped on their scale that looks like it should be weighing cattle What the He!!! Why on earth does it need to look like that? And, really, why do we really need to know what we weigh unless we are cheerleaders that will be thrown in the air and caught (hopefully) by some dude that looks like he could actually catch cattle and not the 97lb blond wonder he is catching. Sorry, I side tracked. Yes, I have stepped on a scale and felt the desire to look away only to hear, "Oh sweetie, looks like you have gained a couple pounds." Can we agree that from now on that we will have Nurse Betty just simply scan us and say "Yep, looks good!" Because really we know if we need to work on our diet and we know if we could stand to lose a few lbs. The scale is not giving us any information we don't already have. 

For 12 years I trained clients who were breaking ground on their health. They were feeling better, sleeping better, quite honestly looking better and then it happened. They came in and stepped on the scale and all of their rose colored balloons behind their rose colored glasses were popped and thus began their downward spiral. I understand why we use a scale. It allows us to see immediate change when we begin a weight loss program. Or does it???? Let me have you consider; the human body can hold up to 25 lbs of fecal matter in our intestinal tract! Holy mother of mercy! Is this true?!? Yes. We can carry another ten pounds of water weight. Soooo, here is where I'm going with this biology lesson. When you first try to lose weight we generally increase our fiber intake (veggies) and water consumption. When fiber meets an unhealthy colon it takes some time to work it's magic. And when we introduce water into our diet, our bodies store it in any nook, cranny and cell for fear we will be heading back into the dehydration dessert we have been living in. 

It takes time for our bodies to allow for necessary changes. Rome wasn't built in a day and neither were those love handles. Give your body some time. Give yourself some grace and realize this journey is not going to be made in a day. A scale should not hold so much power over your happiness. Whip out your handy dandy journal (because I'm sure you own one or at least a piece of paper and pen) and start writing how you actually feel after you start eating healthy and exercising. If this is not an option and you find yourself needing a S.A. (scale anonymous) program, I suggest you chart your weight loss on a piece of paper so you can see change over time and not get so hung up on the small lb jumps. Good luck and scale it back.  

Drive Stress Away

I have been driving for 16 years. Please, do not do the math and if you do, you should know, in Alaska you can start driving at the age of 10 (this is not true). I have noticed a good many things in my hours on the road, but the one that shocks me the most is NOone..ok many people do not know how to follow the rules of the four way stop. I mean seriously people. I don't understand it. I have seen you program a remote control that looks like it's part of a NASA space shuttle, but four cars converging at one intersection throws you off a cliff of understanding. Let me help you to put your hands back on the steering wheel and not in the air waving around at your fellow drivers. I assure you, that scrunched up face behind your middle finger is not one of your finer looks.

I am not a traffic officer or a drivers ed. instructor, but I have taken it upon myself to actually read the drivers manual prior to getting my drivers license as well as research what right of way actually means. In the event two cars arrive at an intersection at the same time. The driver that is going straight or turning right goes first. If both cars are turning right they can both go. This would mean that motorists would have to and miraculously use their directional. In the event the driver is turning right and the other is driving straight, the person turning right goes first. Right of way means the person to the right, not the person who thinks they are right. In the event you just don't know. You have two options. Wave the driver through or just head straight home, lace up your shoes and walk to your destination.

Put simply: if vehicles arrive at approximately the same time, each driver must yield to the drivers on their right. Right, right, right, is always right. Good luck and use your directional/turn signal.

diet Nation

Have you tried, one million times, to start a diet and for the love of everything that is holy, you've failed every time? You woke up Monday morning with resolve and a fervor to fit into your two sizes too small pants. You ate your 1/2 cup of oatmeal with 1/4 cup blueberries and almond milk, because you read oatmeal will decrease your blood pressure, blueberries will prevent you from getting cancer and milk is liquid poison. You skipped into lunch time, literally, because you read childlike play will burn more calories and ward off depression, with the joy of eating 1/2 a sandwich: turkey, hold the cheese, mayo, and well...bread, two cups of veggies and a 24 oz big gulp of WATER. Chips? No thank you! Diet Soda? Nope, that will only undo those blueberries you ate for breakfast. It's 3 o'clock in the afternoon and you are feeling fine! And not just okay, fine. No, you are feeling, short shirt, tight pants, hair all done up Fiiiiine. You drive home feeling faint looking for your next meal, uh gerbil snack. You aren't sure you if you crossed over the dotted line more than a few times or not since the ringing in your head may be from lack of food or from those oncoming cars blaring their horns. Dinner started off good. Chicken? Check! Broccoli? Check! No bread, no butter, no fat, no fun! You aren't certain if the feeling of clawing your significant others eyes out are from your new found healthy diet or from your new found healthy diet. This sucks!

In the 13 plus years I have met with clients they all have the same complaints. I can't I can't I can't, but I want! Although the above is filled with healthy, should be eaten on a daily basis foods, we struggle to create a habit out of consuming them. Seriously, I've had potato chips. They are delicious. Ice cream companies don't sell billions every year for ice cream's healthy benefits. Come on people! These foods taste good. The problem is WE have not been taught the fine art of moderation. We NEED to learn to eat the things we don't like in order to have the things we do like. I realize you are probably reading this at the ripe 'ol age of "older than seven" thinking. 'I eat healthy foods. That's not my problem.' You got me, but taking broccoli, slathering it in yummy cream sauce and placing it over noodles, does not a healthy food make.

We want to be thin and not healthy. We want to look good, but we feel like crap. I promise, yes promise if you focused more on how you feel and not on how to get into those skinny jeans you would start to shed those pounds. We are a diet Nation. We have learned to diet like pros. The problem is...once our bodies realize we are depriving it of necessary calories, it fights back. It turns on the "feed me" hormones and turns off the "burn those stored calories" hormones. We are such hard workers, but we are working too hard in the wrong direction. Give your body what it needs and it will stop screaming for more. Introduce your body to breakfast and it will kindly remind you a few hours later to give it more. Snack is not just a five letter word. It is the vehicle to get you to lunch and dinner without maiming people. Dinner is not your last supper, unless it is and then go ahead and gorge yourself. Otherwise, most of us do not need to eat enough to get us through the winter at dinner. Work smarter and not harder!

Here's your start point: 
Your goal is to consume 5 Cups of Veggies/Day - No dressings, cream sauces, butter or oils. Just good 'ol from the Earth veggies. (Please note FRUIT may be camping out in the same section of the Food Guide Pyramid, but it is not a Vegetable!)

NO Limits

We are taught there are not limits to the human mind. If we all journeyed on in this life only aspiring to the limits we have set for ourselves or those limits others have set for ourselves, we would still be living on a flat world. The stars in the sky would have no rhyme or reason. There would be no such thing as planets, cars, planes, high rises, the Internet, telephones. And I'm not entirely certain what my son would do without the iPad. We would til our own lands. We would rely on only what we had and what we could do for ourselves. We would hope for greater, but settle for meritocracy. Our history not only teaches us how we have gotten to where we are today, but it also teaches us to strive for better. To fight for what we believe. To work for what we want. And to dream big.

Although those before us have paved the way to greatness, we all hold greatness within us. We hold the ability to do better and be better. Unfortunately, we carry the words of others to hold us down. We hear, oddly from those closest to us, "You can't.""It's not possible." "What are the odds." And we carry on holding the odds of failing in our hands and close to our hearts. We forget about the amazing things we have done til now.

Lets take a page from an infant. They are born with only the ability to eat and cling to a safety source. In a short year they learn how to roll over, crawl, walk (most of the time), talk, laugh, communicate and single handily control their world. We do not put limits on them. In fact we encourage them to perform greatness. We encourage them to roll over with toys, cooing and smiles. We clap when the push up they all fours as if they have climbed a mountain and we sit poised and ready to catch their first step. We allow them to dream and acquire greatness. And then....as quickly as they become great we begin setting their limits.

We live in a fearful world. Trust me, I get it. I thoroughly enjoy living under my rock of nativity so I don't have to fear all that is wrong with our world. I cling to safety at whatever the cost and often I can be heard saying, "That sounds dangerous." Here's the problem people. We have allowed our fear to prevent us from stepping out and trying. We are allowing ourselves to let the assumptions and thoughts of others control our actions. We are so fearful of failing that we aren't even trying.

Today, break your glass box. Crush the limits you have set for yourself. Surround yourself with high fivers and dream makers and quiet the naysayers. Share your dreams and then forge ahead. We strive for health, longevity, wealth, happiness and love, but some of us are settling for mediocrity. You have one life. One go around and you wont get another chance. You can choose to make the most of what you have or settle for what others have painted your future to be. Find your ocean and sail it. Pick your mountain and climb it. If you can't fly, grow wings.